I’m so tired…
Music has been a huge part of my life, for as long as I can remember. It was always playing in the house, so I think it just became one of those things that I absorbed. In particular, my dad has always been a huge fan of The Beatles, so I was pretty much brought up listening to them nonstop, which isn’t really a bad thing. My favourite song is a Beatles one and I even have a tattoo to commemorate it.
What I love most about them is that their songs all have meaning and if you really listen to the lyrics you can hear the story (they’re also deceptively difficult to play, just fyi). They wrote about whatever or whoever was on their mind at the time, so you can always find a song to match your mood and right now, one particular song is running through my brain.
The only problem is, I have slept a wink (quite a few winks actually), it just hasn’t made the slightest bit of difference. My mind is, unfortunately, still on the blink. The joys.
I am so tired.
I’m never quite sure what the worst part of having M.E. is. The brain fog that makes you feel woolly headed and stupid? How about the pain that never ends? Or is it the soul crushing fatigue that never lets up no matter what you do? Each one is delightful and has its own charms, so it’s always a tough choice!
Today however, the clear winner is the fatigue because that’s exacerbating all the other problems. My brain is even more woolly, my joints and nerve endings are on high alert and my eyes are struggling to focus. Everything feels like a mountain I have to climb and is just never ending. I’ve also realised that I use that phrase a lot, so I should probably try and find a different one. It’s just so apt though. Chronic illness IS never ending. That’s why it’s chronic.
Being tired makes it much harder to deal with depression and anxiety as well. When you’ve got a bit more energy you can put in the work needed to soothe your brain, but when you’re tired your brain wins. Makes me think of another line from the song:
And I really would. If I could get my crazy, overthinking brain to just, stop…….I think I would give everything I have. What use is stuff, when your own brain is working against you? If my insides were calm, I wouldn’t care about anything else. I’m imprisoned by my own mind and it takes so much effort to try and break free every day. Effort I don’t always have because
I’m so,
goddamned,
tired.
But what else is there to do but soldier on? Keep going and hope that my fatigue will lessen at some point? Lie down and quietly die? My brain can’t decide which one is best so I’m constantly stuck in the freeze portion of fight/flight/freeze. It doesn’t know which way to go so I just follow my routine and hope it doesn’t all go wrong.
I remember discussing something similar with my counsellor a few months ago. I was trying to explain the difference between feeling tired and feeling weary. Tired, is just tired. You haven’t had enough sleep, maybe some caffeine will perk you up, but you’ll be ok. Weary is different. It’s bone deep. You feel that shit in the deepest parts of you. It’s heavy, to the point of crushing at times. I think most people with any kind of illness, whether mental or physical know the feeling. Although, to be fair, you don’t necessarily have to have either of those things. You could also just be incredibly close to burnout, which is an illness in itself.
I’m not really sure what the point of these late night (early morning) ramblings are really. Insomnia sucks? Depression sucks? Chronic illness sucks? All of the above? Shrug. I don’t know, I guess……..if you’re reading this and you get it….know that you’re not alone.